


A Little Bit of Hope

by Snarcasm318



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: Angst, Apparently physical hurt/comfort too, Contracts are stupid, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, I think I'm figuring out what tags are, Tassie pissed me off
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8491996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snarcasm318/pseuds/Snarcasm318
Summary: One-shot(s). Starting with how 6x10 could have ended. It really was that simple.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I quickly wrote this when I was having a kind of shitty day to see if it would make me feel any better. Set at the end of episode 6x10 and is mostly in response to what Tassie said about standing behind the ending she gave Gail. It was a bullshit ending so this is just a quick fix that doesn't break any contracts.

It felt like someone had taken a shotgun to her chest. It was the only explanation for why there was a gaping hole where her heart was supposed to be. That morning she had had a family. Parents, a brother, and soon a little girl to call her daughter but in one fell swoop she had fucked it all up. Now there was no one and she had no one to blame but herself. Well maybe Steve. She could blame him for getting into cahoots with Santana and the mob and making it her responsibility to save him. But it felt wrong blaming him when he had stood up and taken a deal to save her from lying in court. And now he was on his way to prison, and it would be a miracle if he survived his time there.

Technically, she could blame her parents. That had always been her go to. Her own father had been the one to intimidate her into lying in the first place. Him standing up to yell at her in court was definitely one for the memory books. It was a far cry from the man who drove her to work everyday when she was a rookie and again after the kidnapping. But when it came to exPecktations no one was immune. God, she still had to face her mother after sending the golden boy to jail. While her father was the master of quietly seething, her mother was the one with the cutting words that magnified every mistake she had ever made like one of those awful mirrors in a funhouse. Ha, like there had ever been anything fun in that house. Then again, there was a good chance she'd never been allowed in that house again. Because she was no longer a Peck, no longer a sister, or a daughter, and now there wasn't even a chance she could be a mother to the wonderful little girl who's smile was enough to light up the dark world they lived in.

Which was why she could rationalize drinking her body weight in whiskey that night.

LauraLee had already left. She had offered to call a cab before saying the infamous, "Goodnight Gail." That line should really be stricken from the English vernacular. Nothing good ever happened when that line was involved. Nick had said it when he kicked her out of his truck and ending their relationship the same day she had literally been forced to face the psychopath who had kidnapped her. Holly had said it after she had bared her soul and offered the most sincere apology of her life in an attempt to get her back. And now LauraLee had said it after rubbing it in her face all the ways she couldn't give Sophie the life she deserved. She deserved to be there in the dingy bar by herself with nothing more than a glass of amber liquid to keep her company.

She'd always been alone.

Now it was just official.

Chris had been the one to pick her up. How he knew to come she wasn't sure. Maybe the bartender had called after he finally cut her off for the night. Chris had practically carried her from the bar to his car and again into their apartment. He had given her water and offered to cook but she only wanted alcohol, but he was taller than her and kept it out of her reach. He had looked at her with those sympathetic puppy eyes that he wore so well. He was used to taking care of people, but she didn't want that from him, she didn't deserve it. So she had stormed off and locked herself in her room. But what he really should've kept out of her reach was her phone. Because when left to her own devices she had somehow pressed the call button on the one number she had been fighting so hard to not call.

"Gail?" The voice was still warm and inviting, even if a little surprised. She had forgotten how much she loved that voice.

"Hey Lunchbox."

"Is everything okay?"

Nothing was okay. In fact, everything was really fucking far from okay. She could feel the tears pricking at her eyes again and she tried to bite the inside of her cheek to quietly suppress the sob that was trying to escape. The floor under her feet was starting to feel a little less stable so she collapsed on her bed. The phone was still pressed to her ear but she didn't know what to say.

"Gail, are you there?"

"Y-yeah." She took a deep breath and released it, hoping her voice would even out a bit. "I'm here. You're not, but I still am."

There was a sigh on the other end of the phone. She knew that sigh, it wasn't a good one. That was a disappointed sigh. She had heard those a lot in her life.

"Are you drunk?"

"No. Why would I be drunk at..." She glanced at the time on her phone and brought it back to ear. "...1am on a Tuesday?"

"Good question. I was kind of wondering that myself."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk and technically it's only 10pm here."

"Right because you're still there and I'm still here." It was a crushing reminder of one more thing she didn't have. Another thing she could've had but didn't. "I should've said yes."

"You had your reasons."

Reasons. There had been a lot of reasons. Sophie, her family, her job, her friends. All things that weren't hers anymore. "I don't have them anymore. I don't have anything anymore."

"What do you mean? Did something happen?"

She barked out a bitter laugh, "That's the understatement of the century."

"What are you talking about? What happened?"

"What happened is that I took being the Pale Fail to a whole new level today."

"Gail..."

"No, no, this is a good one. I couldn't lie on the witness stand like my Dad wanted me to and am now the person responsible for sending my own brother to jail. Do you know what happens to Guns and Gangs detectives when they go to prison? Cause I can tell you. I basically just signed his death certificate."

"Gail..."

"Oh and in case that wasn't enough. I was so busy blowing my family apart that I missed another one of my scheduled visits with Sophie."

"I'm sure the social worker would understand that you were in court."

"No, Holly, it wasn't the first visit I missed. And now there is a family. A real family with a mom and a dad and an adopted kid who could be her sibling. They want Sophie and I can't compete with that. I have nothing to give her."

"You love her. That's worth a lot."

She snorted. Her love had never been enough. She didn't know how to show it. It was why Chris believed the worst when he had seen Dov hitting on her. It was why Nick had said she wasn't girlfriend material. And it was why Holly hadn't defended her that night in the bar. "Not enough. I can't be the reason she doesn't get a family. I told LauraLee that I was dropping my petition for adoption."

"Oh, honey..."

"No, don't do that. You can't 'honey' me, not when you're there and I'm here and everything has gone to shit and I have no one." She could feel the tears running down her cheeks. At least they were silent tears. She was good at quiet crying.

"You have people, Gail, you have your friends."

"My friends?!" She spit out the word bitterly. "Traci can barely look at me because she thinks I'm a Peck just like my brother. They all do. Even the stupid detective they brought over to review Steve's cases."

"Gail, they care about you."

"No, you don't understand, Holly. Steve blew up McNally. He lied to Traci. He even set-up Oliver to take the fall. Oliver! He gave up his white shirt because of him."

"I thought Oliver hated that shirt."

"He does, but it means they're going to split us up. Send us to different divisions. So not only do I not have a family, or a daughter, I won't even have my division anymore."

"Gail, you're not alone."

"It sure feels that way."

"You have me."

"You're there. There's not here, Holly."

"You'll always have me, Gail."

She wished that was true. God, did she wish that was true. "I should've said yes."

There was long pause. She wondered what was going through the other woman's mind at her confession. Maybe she shouldn't have said it again. She probably shouldn't have called. They hadn't spoken in months. Not since the doctor had gotten on the plane that took her to the other side of the continent, over the lines that divided their countries. They had agreed that it was better to make a clean break rather than to risk ruining whatever had been good between them. But she had just needed to hear that voice again. The voice of the woman who had picked her up from the hospital with a burned wrist and let her crash in her guest room, who had come when she called after her friends had been shot even though she blew her off in the station, who salvaged the massacre of a haircut she had committed on her bathroom floor, and who had helped wash the whole mess down the drain. Maybe that was why she had called. Holly had been the only one to ever make her feel like she wasn't completely drowning.

"You still can."

The words were uttered so softly that she barely heard them over the noise in her own head. "I can?"

"The offer still stands."

How could that be possible? Surely Holly had moved on already, started seeing someone else, someone who was more than just fun. "There's not a someone else."

"Not a someone someone."

"But there's a someone."

"Maybe we should talk about this when you aren't drunk."

"I'm incredibly sober now."

She heard a laugh. It was quick chuckle but it still made the little scraps of heart she had left beat a little faster in that crater in her chest.

"So no one needs to hide the scissors?"

"There wouldn't be much to cut off." Gail ran a hand through the short strands. They were still growing out and she hadn't bleached it in a while. She was probably do for a new look. Maybe she'd be a brunette this time.

"That's probably good considering you don't have an awesome stylist to fix it for you."

"Eh, she was alright."

"Hey..."

"Fine she was more than alright, she was the most wonderful person I ever met." The words were still true after everything that happened. She closed her heavy eyes and pictured the woman who had changed everything for her. The woman who had changed her.

"So she's kept that title, huh?" She could hear the smile in the voice. She wondered if it was that crooked smile that she loved so much.

"Definitely. Other people suck. I hate people."

Holly laughed and Gail could still picture the look on the doctor's face when she had said the words the first time in the lab. "You should get some sleep, Gail."

"But the offer still stands?" She had to make sure she wasn't imagining it before she hung up the phone and broke whatever magical bubble she had fallen into where there was still a chance for them.

"Yeah, Gail, the offer still stands and it will in the morning too."

"You mean it?"

"I promise. Go to sleep, Gail."

"Night, Lunchbox."

"Sweet dreams, Officer."

She ended the call and laid back in her bed. She had no parents, no brother, no daughter and possibly no job. But she had an offer. So maybe, she still had a little bit of hope.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck contracts, I've renegotiated. I think this fits, so I'm just gonna leave this here...

It wasn't fucking fair. It wasn't fair what happened to Gail. It wasn't fair that the blonde had called her after months of neither of them speaking. It wasn't fair that she was on the other side of the continent, which meant that the only comfort she could offer was a few soft words over an invisible phone line. But what really wasn't fucking fair was that she hadn't heard from Gail since that night.

One drunk phone call and her entire fucking world had been turned upside down again. It hadn't even been that bad the first day. No, she had managed to go about her day like she would normally, albeit a bit more sleep deprived after staying up half the night with every word they had exchanged playing over and over again in her head. She hadn't known about Steve being connected to the bombing. She certainly hadn't known about the court case or the Peck family's standards of loyalty. But she had known about Sophie. She knew how much the little girl meant to Gail. How much being a mother meant to her. It was the reason she had stayed. One of the biggest reasons she hadn't taken Holly's offer to start fresh in a new city far away from Toronto and all the things the city represented. No, Holly hadn't been prepared to stay, to join Gail on that journey, and she had understood why Gail couldn't join her on hers. Well, she had forced herself to understand.

So she had started over, started new. In a new city, with a new job, and a new home. It had been refreshing in a lot of ways. Busy enough that she could easily be distracted. There were leases to sign, contracts to negotiate, research to begin, new people to meet. It had been easy to forget. To not think about Toronto. To not think about blue eyes that represented the strongest tempest she had ever encountered or soft lips that could easily make her forget her very extensive vocabulary. Okay, so maybe she couldn't control her dreams that occasionally marred the lines of memory, but she damn well could control her consciousness and she had for months.

No, it hadn't been bad that first day. Only the occasional thought about whether or not Gail had woken up with a wicked hangover. If she had remembered the conversation at all. Had she managed to pull herself together and get to work? Had she had anyone to talk to about what was going on? Then she reminded herself that Gail had people. She had an entire force of people, who would surely look out for her-damn it-for Gail. They wouldn't leave her to suffer alone, they would be able to see the hurt and past the walls and force themselves to be there for her. Wouldn't they?

She had survived that first day and restrained herself from calling the blonde woman just to check up on her. She had even survived that first week. And then the week turned into another and another without so much as a peep from Gail. It was so typical of the woman. To storm into her life, turn it upside down and vanish all over again. Because of course her life had fucking turned upside down from one Goddamn phone call.

It had only been a few minutes, but it had been enough that a month later and Holly was still thinking about it. And suddenly San Francisco wasn't so new, wasn't so shiny, it wasn't so distracting. There were no leases to sign, no contracts to negotiate, the research had stalled, and she had no desire to meet anyone new. But that wasn't enough. No, Gail had managed to remind Holly of what she missed the most and suddenly nothing about the city she lived in felt right. The sky wasn't nearly as blue as Gail's eyes, the red cable cars weren't as vibrant as Gail's favorite shade of lipstick, the hills were too steep, and the weather not nearly as warm as everyone had claimed.

It had been a month. She could have picked up the phone and called. She could have sent a text, even an email, a letter, a smoke signal, maybe even a carrier pigeon. Something, anything, to get in touch with Gail. To see how she was. To find out how she was handling everything. To make sure Gail knew she wasn't alone. She could have, but she didn't. She could have, but in the end she couldn't. What did she have to offer? Gail had been right, she was there and Holly was here. There wasn't here.

So Holly had pushed on. Had gone about her days, her routines like she hadn't gotten a call from Gail. Like the wounds she had pretended didn't exist hadn't been reopened with a fresh wave of agony. Like she wasn't spending every unoccupied moment wondering what the blonde was up to. No, she forced herself to not think about that. So she ran an extra click each day, spent an extra hour (or two) in the lab each night, started another article for yet another journal. She kept herself busy so her mind wouldn't wander. She pretended that it worked, even when it didn't.

It wasn't fucking fair.

It wasn't fair that after a long day at work, she had come back to her empty apartment where there was nothing but silence and uncooked food waiting to greet her. It wasn't fair that after spending a day cracking a cold case she had been consulted on she had had no desire to go out to celebrate with the team. It wasn't fair that the quiet phone weighed heavily in her pocket reminding her that there was only one person she wanted to spend that night with, a person who wasn't there. It wasn't fair that she had made Gail an offer for a second time and the blonde still hadn't taken it. It wasn't fair that silence had been her answer. It wasn't fair that it hadn't been a new beginning. It wasn't fair that it had been too much to hope.

And it wasn't fucking fair that someone was knocking on her door at a completely unreasonable hour when all she wanted to do was wallow for once. She had already changed out of her work clothes and collapsed on her couch not bothering to cook dinner for only one person. More than one journal had been discarded on her floor and her computer had laid untouched because it had been one of those nights where she hadn't been able to push the thoughts away. She had just wanted one night to give in to the thoughts and feelings she had been ignoring so that maybe, just maybe she could finally put them back in the box they had escaped and they wouldn't unfairly creep up on her when she least expected it. Just one night to let herself go.

It probably wasn't fair to whoever was on the other side that she pulled the door open with more force than was necessary, not bothering to check at the window to see who was knocking.

It really wasn't fucking fair that the person standing there was even more gorgeous than she remembered. It wasn't fair that Gail was standing on her doorstep with the shyest smile, and the most unsure eyes. It wasn't fair that she couldn't even move or speak because she was in too much shock to register that what she was seeing was even real. Because it was better than she could have ever hoped.

"Hey, Lunchbox."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this technically took place during/after 6x11.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some people were wondering what happened after "Hey, Lunchbox." This explains a little bit of before and little bit of after...

It had felt like someone had taken a shotgun to her chest. Splattered her guts across the walls. Shattered her ribs. Tore apart her heart. She had only been left with scraps that night she had called Holly. And when she had awoken the next morning, eyes gritty from tears, head pounding from dehydration, still wearing the same clothes as the night before she had remembered everything. She had remembered her brother's court case, remembered talking to LauraLee and pulling her petition, she remembered that Sophie was no longer hers and that her family wanted nothing to do with her. She remembered that she was utterly alone. But she also remembered having her phone in her hand and doing one of the bravest, stupidest things of her drunken life. She remembered calling Holly. She remembered their conversation with crystal clarity. She remembered that she still had an offer, a chance, a possibility. So with that little bit of hope, she dragged her sorry ass out of bed and forced herself to face the new day.

The next few weeks had been a painful blur. She had dealt with the fallout with her family, the fallout with her friends, with Traci, with the bitchy detective who seemed to only exist for the sole purpose of annoying the hell out of her, dealt with explaining to Sophie why her new family was the best thing for her. She had choked on the words, but had done her best to keep the tears at bay until she was in her car and out of the little girl's sight. Sure, her friends had tried, kind of. But Chris was dealing with his addiction, Dov was dealing with Chloe, Andy was dealing with Sam, Nick was dealing with Juliet, Traci was dealing with the mess Steve had created, and Oliver was dealing with it too. They were all dealing with the inevitability of being split up and shipped off to different divisions. So Gail was left to deal with her problems herself.

Which was why she hadn't called Holly. She couldn't bear losing that last, little shred of hope she had that there was something, someone, still waiting for her. That she still had a chance with the most wonderful person she had ever met and that if she needed to, or wanted to, she had somewhere she could go. Somewhere that wasn't Toronto: home of all her failures. No, she couldn't bring herself to talk to Holly and have the brunette realize that she hadn't meant the words that night, had only wanted to comfort Gail, had only said things she thought she wanted to hear.

So she didn't call. And the days turned to weeks to a month. It wasn't until Traci invited Frankie to Andy's wedding in an attempt to set them up that Gail realized what she needed to do. Okay, so it hadn't been that simple. First, she had only talked to the detective as a way to escape the wedding festivities and the reminders of the last 15 wedding she had been at. Then it had been to ignore how much she missed Holly. Maybe it could have been a chance to start something new, with someone new. Something meaningless, but distracting. Something that prevented her from being alone. It was how they ended up at the Frathouse. But somehow in the course of trying to forget Holly and move on she had ended up telling Frankie about her. And despite how much of an asshole she was, Frankie had listened. Yes, Frankie had offered to help Gail get over her ex but they had both realized that it would be a fruitless endeavor. So, instead, the brunette had poured them both more tequila and helped her find her tickets.

No, she hadn't slept with Frankie that night, despite what her friends had thought. But she had made a life altering decision. She had wanted to tell Oliver that morning before parade, but he had only just gotten the white shirt on, they had only just been told they were going to be TO's, she had only just found out that she had the chance to stay at 15 with her friends.

But she wanted to go.

So at the end of her first shift with her new rookie, she had gone to the transparent office and spoken to her friend, partner, and boss. And Oliver had understood. He hadn't agreed, or been happy, but he had understood that she needed to try. He offered to hold her place, to use up her vacation time, to temporarily reassign her rookie. She had listened, and nodded, and agreed if only to get her out of the office and on her way to the airport as soon as possible. Frankie had even driven her because she couldn't take a cab still and hadn't told any of her friends.

She knew it was late, probably too late, but the lights had been on and she couldn't wait any longer to see her. She couldn't stand another moment apart. So with the last bit of courage she could muster she had knocked on the door and waited. When Holly had tore open the last barrier between them, Gail hadn't known what to expect. She hadn't anticipated the look of anger and annoyance that she initially met, but she had been slightly more prepared for the confusion and shock that quickly replaced them. She had been debating with herself the entire plane ride about whether or not she had made the right decision, but it was too late now.

"Hey, Lunchbox."

They weren't much but they were the only words she could think of at the time. Her mind had been wiped blank at the sheer relief of seeing Holly again. The brunette was just as gorgeous as ever, standing barefoot, in her sweats and old t-shirt, hair messy with frustrated tugs, and glasses perched atop her head. She wanted to touch her, to reach out and embrace her, to kiss her senseless and push her back into her home until she managed to find the bedroom. She wanted everything, anything, something, but Holly just stood there silently staring at her.

And that's when it hit her. The mistake she had made, the miscalculation on her part. She had honestly believed that Holly had meant it when she said that the offer stood, that she would be welcomed to join her in San Fran. She could feel those little scraps of heart she had left, the ones barely held together with a smidgeon of hope, beating wildly in her chest. They wouldn't survive the rejection this time.

"Wh-what are doing here?"

The panic that had already been building was overflowing at that point. That little bit of hope that she had been clinging to for weeks vanished when she saw the confusion on Holly's face. She realized how much of a fool she had been so she started to back away, ready to make a run for it.

"Sorry, I should go." She bolted and was already halfway down the hall when she felt a hand wrap around her arm to stop her.

"Wait, Gail, where are you going?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just shown up here. I'm an idiot, and I should've known you hadn't meant it."

"Hadn't meant what?"

"What we talked about that night. It was late and I was upset and you just wanted to make me feel better, and you had. I should've known that's all it was."

She had already broken free and was moving again. What had she hoped to accomplish? She was barely existing as it was. She had nothing left to offer Holly.

"What if I did?"

Holly's words rooted her feet to the ground. She turned to look at the doctor, certain that the confusion that she felt was written all over her face. It was too hard to keep up the facade at this point, too difficult to remain stoic when she felt so shattered, to pretend like the only thing that could maybe help start putting the pieces back together wasn't standing right in front of her.

"What if you did what?"

"What if I meant it?"

She couldn't be saying what Gail thought she had been saying. The universe had been too cruel to her, there was no way that this could possibly work out in any way that didn't end in heartbreak for her. But what if? What if maybe she was saying it, what if maybe there was something there for her to hope for.

"What are you saying, Holly?"

"I'm sorry, Gail, I was just surprised. I was having a bad day and hadn't expected you. Will you come in?"

Gail glanced past the brunette and back towards the open door that she had gestured to. She wanted to go into Holly's place, she wanted to have the chance to talk and hopefully explain everything that had been going on. She wanted a chance to talk to the one person that talking had once come so easy with, before she messed up and ran away and didn't know how to apologize.

"Are you sure? I can just..."

"I'm sure."

And then Holly was reaching for Gail's hand, and she let her take it. She followed Holly blindly into the apartment, her eyes fixated on their joined hands. It felt good to touch Holly. She could feel the warmth starting at their connection and traveling up her arm, trying to reach those little scraps of heart she had left. It made them pitter-patter that much more frantically.

She declined the food Holly offered, but accepted the bourbon and settled on the couch as instructed. She could feel Holly's eyes studying her; they seemed to constantly sweep over like she couldn't decide what she wanted to focus on first. And Gail, well, she did the same; drinking in every detail she could about the woman before her. Her hair was a bit longer, and she looked a bit thinner like she had been running more than usual. The warmth in her eyes and smile, though were the same that they had always been. They felt familiar, and safe, and settling. They felt like coming home.

She finished her bourbon with a wince and reached forward to pour herself another, while Holly sipped slowly from her own, the silence growing between them. No, it wasn't the comfortable silence that the two had enjoyed countless times in Toronto. This one was filled with words unsaid, questions unasked, and promises yet to be made.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing."

"I'm pretty sure we're drinking bourbon." One half of Holly's lips quirked up ever so slightly with the observation.

"You know what I meant." Gail rolled her eyes. As much as she wanted to relax into the easiness of the banter, she couldn't. Her body remained rigid, the glass held tightly in her hand. This time she drank slower, only taking a small sip as she gathered her thoughts.

"I just couldn't stay there another minute."

"Toronto?"

"Yeah."

"So you needed to get away?"

"No, I needed to come here. Because you're here, and not there, Holly. And I don't want to be away from here any longer."

"Gail..."

"Wait, just let me try to explain. I know everything is different but you're the only person I want to be with, Holly. You're the only person who stops me from feeling alone and I know that things are complicated and that I'm even more of a mess than when you left and that we haven't talked since that night when I called but I just can't keep trying to pretend like I don't miss you everyday, that I don't think about you every night, and that I don't wish that I made about a million different choices. Any choice that could've stopped you from leaving or stopped me from staying. Because you're the only good thing in my life that I've ever had a chance at keeping and I know I've screwed it up more times than I could count but if you give me another chance I promise I'll..."

Gail didn't get to finish her heartfelt statement, being cut off by the feel of soft lips on her own. The words that had been so crucial before, suddenly seemed so unimportant when she had the other woman kissing her in a way that promised her that she didn't need to explain, not yet, not right now. No there were other things to think about than words like the way the bourbon tasted better on Holly's lips than it had in the glass. But the kiss couldn't last forever and Holly was the first one to pull back.

"Sorry you just had to stop talking," Holly whispered, their lips only a hair width apart.

"I won't say another word," Gail promised and she drew Holly in for an even deeper kiss.

They needed to talk, to discuss, to plan. They needed to figure out what it all meant, where they stood, and where they would go. But right then, in that moment all they needed was each other. No, it wasn't a distraction from the fact that things weren't perfect and that things weren't fixed. It was a promise that there would be time to figure things out; there would be time to fix things if they were both willing. It was the two of them giving themselves a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe it could all work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do think? Can I end this former one-shot here?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So since I think most of us can agree that 2016 was a pretty shitty year, I thought it was appropriate to end it with a little bit of hope. Happy New Year, my dear readers, I hope it is a little less shitty for all of us.

It wasn't fucking fair. It wasn't fair what happened to Gail. It wasn't fair that the blonde had appeared after not speaking for a month after a drunken phone call that rekindled feelings that she had done her best to forget. It wasn't fair that even after showing up unannounced Gail had been ready to run away again. And it really wasn't fair that all it took was a few perfect words and a promise of a future for Holly to forget all about talking because there were more important things for their lips to be doing.

And obviously kissing led to touching which led to clothes being torn off. It hadn't taken long for Holly to pull the blonde off the couch and take her to her bedroom. Then it was a battle between the need to touch and taste and just feel everything at once with the desire to savor every moment of being together, every gasp, every whimper, every moan. And clearly once they started, it was impossible to stop. They spent that first night taking turns sending each other over the edge time and again, neither willing to call it quits even as the rays of sunlight filtered into Holly's apartment. Needless to say she took a sick day.

So that day, they talked. Actually talked. Gail explained what had happened in Toronto while she had been gone. Every painful detail of their separation. They even talked about the fight that started it all. There was no way they were going to be able to move forward if they didn't learn how to at least start to communicate. So they tried. It wasn't easy, the hurt that had started at the Penny and only worsened every time they were together after was still there. But this was their chance. Their fresh start. And they both agreed they wanted to take it, hoping that this would be the last time they needed one.

But there was still the not so minor issue that Gail lived in Toronto and her home was currently in San Francisco. Gail made it clear from that first day that she was willing to move, willing to do anything as long as it meant being together. That she had tried turning in her resignation, but Oliver had rejected it, and forced her to use her sick time. Apparently, becoming a pariah and losing everything she had ever wanted had turned Gail into a workaholic, earning herself a month of paid leave. A month to figure out the details of their new beginning.

They had already used up a week, during which Holly had had to work, but every night she came home to her gorgeous girlfriend. It had given her a glimpse of what life could be like and she wanted more of it. See, the problem was that Gail had completely put the ball in her court. She was more than willing to relocate and start new, but Holly couldn't ask her to do that. And when she did try to talk about it, Gail would simply say that she was willing to do whatever it took. Which was flattering, and sexy, and sounded like the perfect answer because it was everything she could ever want, and yet it wasn't. Because it meant she was the one making the ultimate decision that would impact their lives and she didn't want to be the one ruin things for a third time. She didn't want to be the reason Gail gave up her life, didn't want to be the source of resentment if Gail hated it or regretted her decision. There was also that small sliver of her subconscious that couldn't shake the feeling that maybe Gail was just running away from her problems in Toronto. She couldn't be a consolation prize, it wouldn't work in the long run, it wouldn't be fair. Of course the other option was for her to return to Toronto too. No, not right away, as she had a contract to fulfill, but eventually. It wasn't outside the realm of possibilities, but was she ready to give up what she had already built in San Fran?

These were the thoughts and doubts that plagued her mind anytime she wasn't with the copper. The questions that penetrated her frontal lobe every time she wasn't distracted by sapphire eyes, or flawlessly porcelain skin, or incredibly pouty lips. Which meant it was what she thought about at work. It wasn't fair that even when they weren't together, Gail could infiltrate her mind and heart in a way that only she seemed to be able to. It also wasn't fair that she had to work when said distractingly gorgeous woman was back in her apartment, where Holly wanted to be, not drowning under a mountain of paperwork.

So when a dead body rolled in, Holly jumped at the chance to get elbow deep in an autopsy. It was the perfect way to refocus her mind. It probably wasn't fair for her to get so excited about a person who had lost their life, but her job was important. And it didn't hurt that she needed a new mystery to solve that didn't involve overanalyzing every aspect of her personal life. A dead body meant answers that she could give, it meant helping others, it meant getting lost in the science that she loved. It definitely wasn't fair to the person, or the loved ones, but at least it was something that Holly could help provide some closure for. Even if she couldn't do the same for her own relationship issues.

And what really wasn't fucking fair was that her incompetent intern had just sliced her hand open. And God fucking damn it, did it hurt. Shit. One look at her now debilitated hand and the amount of freely flowing blood not to mention the exposure of pearly white tendons definitely meant stitches.

Which was how she found herself sitting on a gurney in an Emergency Department, a red stained towel wrapped around her left hand as she waited for a living person doctor to suture her up, and thinking more about what the hell she was going to do about her life. It was also where the person who had been distracting her all day came storming in.

"Who do I have to kill, Lunchbox?"

It wasn't fair that flustered, worried Gail was really fucking sexy.

"It was my own fault, I wasn't paying enough attention to what he was doing and it's my job to be teaching him."

"It was that damn intern wasn't it?" Okay, the growl in Gail's voice was definitely doing things to her body that it shouldn't be. Or maybe it was the painkillers kicking in. Or maybe it was both.

It was definitely both.

"Hey, come here." Holly held out her good hand and it took a minute for the pacing blonde to take it, but when she did, it was easy to pull the woman to her. Gail carefully wrapped her arms around her, as she rested her head against her chest, listening to the steady heartbeat. "I'm okay."

"You're bleeding, Holly. Someone hurt you. I'm going to kill them."

"You're a police officer, Gail. They frown on you committing homicide."

"It's okay, it'll be worth it."

"While I appreciate your willingness to become a murderer on my behalf, I would rather not visit you behind bars. I like it better seeing you in my bed."

"Would you wait for me?"

"Always."

It probably wasn't fair that the word had slipped out with so much emphasis, so much reverence, so much meaning when Gail had only been joking. But she was hurting, and slightly lightheaded from losing blood, and more than a little relieved that Gail was actually there, in her city, in the hospital with her. So honesty was the only option and the truth was that she would always wait for Gail. That much she was certain. It wasn't fair that the blinding smile on Gail's face made her heart beat faster and her hand throb more, causing her to let out a small whimper. The smile dropped, quickly replaced by deep lines of concern, as Gail reached out to gently touch her injury.

"Hurts?"

She nodded, unable to hide the discomfort.

"I'll be right back."

She didn't want Gail to go, but the blonde had already vanished before she could protest. It wasn't long before Gail returned, an ashen-faced young woman in scrubs and a white coat in tow. She wasn't sure what Gail had threatened the young doctor with, but in no time at all she was the recipient of 8 new sutures, a prescription for pain meds, and discharge instructions.

When they returned to Holly's apartment, she just wanted a shower and to curl up on the couch in her pajamas and watch crappy television with the blonde. Apparently Gail had been more than willing to help make her wishes come true. Including taking things a step further by hopping in the shower with her, to scrub her hair, and wash her back, and distract her a little from the pain. After they dried, Gail also took it upon herself to help her dress and feed her soup, even though her good hand was more than capable. Then she turned on the television and positioned herself behind Holly, letting the brunette use her as a pillow.

It almost wasn't fair how perfect it was. How perfect Gail could be. But it did help Holly make a decision.

"I want to go home."

"We are home, Lunchbox. Did you bump your head too?"

"I meant Toronto. I know you said you would be willing to start over here, but Toronto is your home, Gail, and you're mine. Plus, if we were back in Toronto, Lisa could've stitched up my hand and I probably wouldn't even have a scar."

Gail snorted, and it made Holly smile. "Nice to know she does more than just boob jobs."

She hesitated, but only for moment. She hoped that Gail could understand why this was the right thing for them. "Being here with you is nice, but it feels temporary and I think it always will. I don't want temporary."

"I can make being here permanent. I already told you, Holly, I'm willing to go wherever you do. I can be a cop anywhere."

"I know you can, but I miss Toronto and I think you will too."

She felt Gail sigh behind her. "Well, at least Rodney never stabbed you."

"No, but he did almost set me on fire once."

"What?!"

Holly laughed at the shocked outburst. She didn't have to hope that she was making the right decision. She knew she was, as long as she with Gail, it didn't matter where she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the overwhelming majority of you seem to want me to continue this, I think I'll keep adding the sporadic one-shots. But I'm going to leave this as completed since each chapter will be a way for it to end and I'm not making any promises. If you want to, feel free to leave me some inspiration about what you want to see happen, and maybe there might just be another chapter in the future ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so anyone reading this has Purple2015 to thank for the quick turnaround on this chapter. She basically outlined the entire thing for me and I just filled in some of the blanks. It's a bit of a lighter tone than some of the previous one-shots and is a small glimpse into what happens when Gail first returns to Toronto.

It may not have been a shotgun this time, but she still didn't have a heart. No, those little scraps she had left were definitely not with her. They had been left in San Francisco along with the best person she had ever met. The doctor who had tentatively stitched together the wounds other people had left, and was at least trying to heal the ones she herself had inflicted. The woman who still gave her hope about her future, well, their future. The only one she trusted with the remnants of her heart.

The same person who also happened to be her girlfriend.

That was firmly established before she returned to Toronto, along with the fact that they would suffer through a long distance relationship until Holly could return too. But in the meantime she had to survive without her heart. Shouldn't be _that_ hard, after all she had been called "heartless" her entire life.

Except for the part where it turned out to be really fucking hard. Not as hard as any of the other things she had been through with Sophie, or her family, or thinking she had lost Holly for good. Because at least now there was a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, things might be improving. But just because she wasn't in the fire anymore, meant she enjoyed getting burned in the pan.

The first day back in Toronto hadn't been that terrible. She had still been riding a Holly high (which was better than any pain killer she had ever been on) after the brunette had dropped her at the airport. It had been the next morning that the reality had hit of being back in the city where it had all gone to shit without her "lunchbox", that the doubts had crept in that Holly would change her mind, that she would finally come to her senses and realize that she wasn't worth the trouble, that she didn't actually want to come back to Toronto. But a few hours into her shift a text from a barely awake Holly had filled that void.

And, no, text messages didn't make up for not having Holly with her, phone calls attempted to give her the rich timbre of Holly's voice, facetime showed her the sexy librarian, but none of that was the same as being able to touch, and hold, and just feel the presence of having her person with her. But it would have to suffice in the interim, and she hoped Holly continued to feel the same.

While the obvious pitfalls of a long distance relationship were unavoidable the biggest problem seemed to be that everyone, and she meant _everyone_ , at 15 had taken an interest in her life during her departure. Her sudden disappearance had finally triggered her friends' attention, her turned off phone their anxiety, but it was her refusal to tell anyone where she had been that garnered their annoyance.

Oliver knew, of course he knew. He had dragged her ass into his office the second she returned to find out what had happened. The fact that she had stayed away the entire time but had returned at all, had him both confused and hopeful. He hadn't hugged her when she told him the turnout of her trip though she knew he wanted to. But he had clapped her on the shoulder, told her he was proud of her for going after her heart (or what was left of it), and promised that he wouldn't tell anyone. But that didn't mean he was going to just ignore the way everyone seemed hellbent on setting her up with someone.

They were all convinced that if she found love in Toronto that she wouldn't leave again, that it was what she needed to heal from the devastation of the prior year. Chloe had personally made it her life mission, and even Traci was still encouraging Frankie. But Gail had sidestepped all of the advances. Whether it was Chloe trying to drag her to a club or bar, or Frankie sniping at her at work then hitting on her at the Penny. The woman had obviously thought she struck out in San Fran considering she had returned...alone. And maybe the worst of it was that she knew Oliver was laughing at all of them in that glass office of his.

Holly, of course, had merely chuckled at her plight of being set up with beautiful women she wasn't interested in.

"You know there's an easy solution to this, honey." Holly had tried to comfort her over the phone, "You could just tell them."

But Holly also understood why she hadn't yet. Gail didn't want to jinx anything that could prevent Holly from returning to her. Call her superstitious, but enough shit had happened that year and it was still many months before Holly's return would be official. What was she supposed to do? Just hope that things worked out this time? Fuck that! She was going to do everything in her power to make sure nothing went wrong. Even if that meant keeping things under wraps for a bit longer until she could actually parade her girlfriend around. Her smart, successful, incredibly patient girlfriend.

It was a few months into her new reality that Gail found herself cornered after shift. While she had just wanted to go home, forget about the punk teenager she had to chase 13 blocks because the dumbass had taken off after a burglary attempt, and wallow at the fact that Holly had to work late so she wouldn't be able to talk that night with some cheesepuffs and tequila. Her friends had had other plans.

Which was how she found herself trapped at the Penny, bored out of her mind by the trivia competition Dov was hosting, and being forced to listen to Frankie obnoxiously boast about showing her the night of her life. But no matter what the detective claimed, promised, or swore she could do with her tongue she would have much rather been at home chatting up her pixelated girlfriend.

She was so focused on ignoring the brunette prattling in her ear that she almost didn't notice the table going silent. Everyone's jaw had dropped.

"Am I interrupting?"

Gail spun around and was out of her seat in a flash. Holly, her Holly, real flesh and bone Holly was standing in the dark and dingy bar with a lop-sided grin on her face. And this time it wasn't just something she hoped to be happening, it was actually happening. Holly was in Toronto and Gail was going to be damned if she was going to waste even of second not holding her in her arms. She closed the gap between them in no time at all, her lips finding Holly's as she poured her surprise, gratitude, and relief into the kiss impervious to the not so quiet audience of her friends. She could feel her heart, the one she had lost, hammering away in her chest again.

She pulled back, but didn't let Holly go, her back to the crowd though she could hear their loud murmurings about what the hell was going on. "I'm so glad you're here. I thought I was going to have to put up with them all night."

But Holly just continued to smile fondly at the blonde, her eyes remaining fixed on the blue ones before her. "I told you to just tell them."

Gail could her the mocking in her chastisement. "Yeah, but now you're here telling them for me."

"I haven't told them anything."

"You're right, maybe I should just show them again." Gail pulled Holly in for another kiss, one that didn't end until the table behind them starting whooping and whistling.

This time when they broke she whipped around, fixing them with a fierce glare but everyone was too busy getting up to greet the doctor (in a less intimate manner) and asking a thousand questions for it to do any actual damage. Gail was fed up almost instantly as their attention meant she couldn't be doing what she wanted to, namely taking Holly back to her place, alone.

"Alright, enough. Stop mauling her, you animals. Holly is _my_ girlfriend, she's visiting from San Francisco. She's coming back here when her contract is done. Any other questions?" Everyone's hands shot up in the air. "I don't give a shit." Gail immediately pulled Holly away, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair before escaping the bar and the protests of her division family.

"I thought we were drinking with your friends tonight?" Holly teased, her smile never diminishing, as Gail's hand remained entwined with hers.

"Hell no, Lunchbox, we can drink with those losers another time. Right now, I plan on showing you exactly how much I've missed you."

It turned out to be a better night than she could have ever hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you dear readers for your support by reading, kudoing, bookmarking, but especially commenting. Leave me some more inspiration and another chapter might just be in the cards.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and kudos. This one was inspired by two different requests, including one for banter between Holly and Frankie.

It wasn't fucking fair. One month. They only had one more month on Holly's contract. It had been over a year since that phone call that changed the trajectory of their lives. Or maybe it had simply put everything back on track. Whatever it had done, it had been the catalyst and they had been counting down the days until she would be free to leave the United States.

Just four weeks. Then she would be in Toronto full time. She would be with Gail instead of surviving off phone calls or minute pixels. She would be able to touch her, to run her hands through the blonde locks, to feel the plumpness of those pouty lips, and the smoothness of that pale, pale skin. Oh, Darwin, would there be touching.

A measly 28 more days and she would be home. Home with her gorgeous girlfriend, with her family, with her friends. Back to the cold and the crime of Toronto. It wouldn't be the same. It was a different job, partly for the city, partly for the University so she could continue her research. And things were different now between her and Gail. They obviously couldn't go back, there were no undo's in real life, but they had both agreed to move forward. In fact, she hoped it would be better.

It wasn't fucking fair.

There had been another phone call that day. The one she had always dreaded. The one she knew was possible but hadn't had to face since the day she picked up Gail from the hospital with a burned wrist. It had been different then. That call had come from Gail herself. Well, it had come in the form of a song, but the blonde had been the one singing it. Then it had only been a relatively short car ride from the lab to the hospital and not a mad dash to the airport, an unfathomably long line at security, or the shaky jolts of turbulence that had nothing on the pounding of her own heart beat. So, no, it wasn't fucking fair that she was across the god damn continent when the person she had never stopped loving was in a hospital in Toronto.

She had been busy at work and barely registered the Toronto area code on her phone before it reached her ear. But everything had stopped when she heard the voice of Gail's former rookie on the other line. The boy had barely gotten a few words out before Holly had sprinted to her boss's office to explain that she needed to leave and why.

The words were still filtering through her brain as she willed the engines to propel them faster through the air. Shots had been fired. Gail had jumped in front of someone. Mostly her vest...but...

It was the "but" that wasn't fair. It was the "but" that told her everything. It was the word that had made her heart pound, and her blood drain, and everything feel cold. It was the only word she had needed to hear to know that Gail was hurt. Gail was hurt and Holly wasn't there. She wasn't there because she was still in fucking San Francisco, finishing up her contract, because that had been the plan. They had had a plan. It was for a future they had imagined together. Because sometimes that was the only thing that could get them through the weeks, or months, between visits. Sometimes, it was the only thing that could bring them comfort when time zones wouldn't cooperate with work schedules. They had had a plan.

She could admit it was incredibly rude they way she shoved off the plane and through the airport, ready to fight anyone she had to for the next taxi to get her to where she needed to be. It was probably for the betterment of society that she saw Chris and Andy waiting for her. They were in their crisp blue uniforms and the sight of them made her stomach clench. Because that was the same uniform her girlfriend wore. The one she had been wearing when someone had opened fire and Gail, her stupidly heroic girlfriend, had shielded someone else.

It wasn't fair that she had to fall in love with a police officer. But she was. Desperately, hopelessly, in love with a person who literally put her life on the line on a daily basis to protect others. It wasn't fair that she needed to do these things. And it certainly wasn't fair that Holly could only love her more for it.

Chris and Andy explained what happened along the drive, often talking over one another, to explain that a simple questioning of a nervous neighbor had turned into two people opening fire. Gail had taken the majority of the bullets. That only one had slipped by her vest. They told her Gail would be all right, that the doctors had been more concerned about how badly she hit head after she fell. They told her Gail was brave. Like she didn't already know. But she hadn't said a word, knowing the second her voice broke through the lump in her throat the tears would come and they wouldn't stop. They told her Gail was alive but she couldn't believe it until she saw it.

Oliver had been the one to usher her through the doors, quickly past where Traci, Dov, and Chloe had been waiting, and even his soothing Dad tones weren't enough to calm the beating in her chest. It wasn't fair how closely Gail's skin tone matched the sheets wrapped around her under the fluorescent lights.

There was a vaguely familiar brunette sitting in one of the seats beside Gail's bed, but she had jumped up and out the way the second Holly was through the doors. She couldn't stop herself from going straight to where her love laid. She could feel the tears burning at her eyes, as they raked over the prone form in the bed. She gently brushed her fingers along the bandage masking the blonde tresses.

"They said she'll probably wake up soon. They gave her some pretty heavy drugs, but they said that the scans came back okay." The woman explained as she watched the two.

Holly's brain barely acknowledged her continued presence. She couldn't stop staring at the unmoving form of her girlfriend, as the beeping machines beside her rhythmically chimed. It wasn't fair that it had taken her this long to get here. It wasn't fair that they were there at all. They had had a plan.

"Detective Anderson, maybe we should give them a little space." Oliver's mention of the woman's name finally connected the dots.

"It was you." It wasn't fair that she couldn't keep the shakiness out of her voice. But she turned to see the other woman's reaction. Frankie's eyes didn't leave Holly's but there was a flicker of pain, a flicker of guilt in them.

"She was protecting you. Because detectives don't wear vests unless they know they're going into a dangerous situation. But she was wearing her vest."

"She's a Peck, she just had to show off." Holly's eyes narrowed, and fists clenched at the audacity. She knew about the constant ribbing between her girlfriend and the detective but those weren't words she wanted to hear right then.

"Fuck you, Anderson." Gail's gravely voice had all of them snapping to attention, and Holly's murderous impulses abating. She forgot all about the woman entirely as her focus rested solely on the woman who held her heart entirely.

"You had your chance, Peck, I don't think your girlfriend is going to want to share."

Holly smiled, with a lopsided grin, as bleary blue eyes looked back. "Definitely not."

"Can't blame a girl for trying." Frankie replied with a shrug, she gave Holly a challenging look, "But I'd hold on to her if I was you."

Holly refused to take her eyes off Gail, "I intend to."

Oliver promised the two that he would be outside with the others as he forced Frankie to stop her ill-timed flirting and the two finally left.

Gail's eyes were starting to droop, "You're back."

"I'm back." She couldn't resist gently brushing along Gail's cheek, the eyes fluttered more at the touch. She knew Gail wouldn't be awake for much longer. It wasn't fair how much she ached to keep looking at those blue eyes. To know that Gail was awake and that she would be okay. But Gail needed her rest so she continued the soothing touches. She'd be content as long as she could keep doing that.

"Will you still be here?"

Holly couldn't stop the tears at Gail's barely whispered words that were drenched in hopefulness.

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go, Purple2015, I gave you hurt Gail this time. Next one: Holly's back for good, and I'll address some Peck issues as requested by other reviewers. Keep the ideas coming...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Bad day, bad mood, new chapter...guess it's a theme with this story...

Her heart was laying next to her. Just beside her. Where she could feel the warm stretch of bare skin against her own. She was beginning to get used to this. This feeling of fullness that hit her right in the chest. Right where her heart had once existed, the same place that had been decimated before that one phone call so many months ago.

So no, she didn't have a heart. Because it didn't belong to her. What was left of it belonged to the woman beside her. The mangled pieces that had been salvaged and carefully, oh so carefully, placed against one another. And they didn't fit, because there were some hurts that could never be soothed, some chunks that would always be missing, and emptiness that even when filled never settles the same way again. But those edges didn't feel so sharp whenever Holly's lips ran along each suture line with words of love, with passionate kisses, with promises of hope.

Holly, who had shown up when she heard Gail was in trouble, and who had barely left her side since the shooting. It had come at the expense of the doctor burning some bridges in her old job in San Francisco, as she was forced to finish her contract over phone lines and short trips back and forth. But Holly had promised time and again that none of it mattered because it was now in the past and it had meant starting her future-their future- that much sooner. And Gail hoped that the words were the truth, she wanted to believe them, to not feel guilt when all she wanted was to the enjoy having Holly back in her life for good because this time had to be the last time. Her fragile fragmented heart couldn't survive losing this woman again. She couldn't even hope to ever find it again.

She had been home for weeks, healing from heroics that she hadn't meant to perform. Because she had made promises too. Promises to the woman beside her that she would come home to her. But stupid men with guns decided that the solution to their problem was to open fire on people who were just doing their jobs, and those people were her colleagues, some even her friends, and all of them sharing the same blue blood. She hadn't meant to be a hero.

90% luck. 10% timing.

And now she was due to receive a commendation she didn't want, no matter how many people told her she deserved it.

"You're supposed to be sleeping."

Gail smiled despite herself at the grumbling voice coming from the form beside her. Holly's voice thick with sleep admonishing her without even opening her eyes. And it was probably for the best, because if Gail saw those beautiful brown eyes, that ones that warmed every inch of her dark and twisted soul, she knew she'd never sleep, cause she wouldn't want to miss even a second of time that could be spent with the woman who possessed her heart.

And it was thoughts like those that had been pushing Gail towards the next big step they needed to take. Everything had happened so suddenly after she found herself laid up in the hospital. Holly cutting her tenure short and unofficially returning to Toronto, it had made sense that she stay at Gail's place. They had gone back and forth about whether or not they should just live together as soon as Holly returned permanently long before the shooting happened. And they had both decided that it would probably be better if they got used to dating while living in the same country before tackling the same home. But now that she knew what it could be like to fall asleep every night and wake up every morning to see this vision, this unparalleled beauty, to feel this fulfillment, how could she ever be expected to give it up?

But she hadn't said those words out loud yet. Had swallowed them down every time Holly mentioned needing to find a place, looked away every time the brunette opened a webpage, used her lips to distract the doctor whenever she tried to make a phone call to a realtor. She didn't want Holly to leave, she didn't want her own space, didn't want to go backwards. There wasn't time for that shit. Too much time had already been wasted. Too much distance already crossed, it wasn't what she wanted. But Gail knew how cruel the universe could be when she wanted, so she waited.

"Can't sleep."

"I know you don't want to, honey, but we have to go today."

The commendation was that night. Dress blues, badges of honor, speeches, and photographers. Gallivanting, schmoozing, talking to people she didn't know and honestly didn't give a damn about. The spotlight would be on her that night and it was everything she didn't want. She wasn't a hero. She was just doing her job. Doing her damnedest to get everyone home that night, because she knew what it meant to lose an officer, a detective to be more exact, she knew what real sacrifice was and no matter how many lives she saved she'd never be able to bring that one back, to undo that damage. So no she wasn't a hero, she just couldn't take the hurt again.

But that night she still put on the uniform. Dressed to the nines in her formal wear. The crisp blue polyester, the white gloves, the polished belt buckle, the shining shoes. She sat on the edge of her bed, staring down at the hat that completed the ensemble. She was dressed just as she was supposed to be. How many times had she seen her family wear the same outfit, with so much pride? But those days were long past. She wasn't a Peck anymore, maybe she had never been, maybe she never wanted to be.

"She's going to be there."

"Well, yeah you saved Frankie's life, she's going to be there." Holly called out from the bathroom where she was putting the finishing touches on her make-up.

"Not Frankie. Elaine. She's going to be there and probably give some speech."

Bill and Steve had gone down, but Elaine's career had survived wreckage, mostly. She was still Superintendent but that would be all she would ever achieve. There was a concrete ceiling above Elaine's head now and there was no breaking through it. Not after the crimes her family committed, that the whispered rumors suggested she was a part of too. Gail didn't know what to believe. She hadn't spoken to the woman in well over a year, nearing two at that point. But she knew Elaine would be there to put on the show, because no matter what she did, Gail would never escape her name or the curse it held for her.

Holly stepped out to join her in the bedroom and Gail forgot how to breathe. Her girlfriend, her partner, was a fucking vision, long tan legs on display in the black cocktail dress that hugged every curve of the doctor's body. And Gail wanted to enjoy the sight, wanted to spend the night worshipping the goddess before her.

"We'll stay just long enough to get your medal." Holly promised, "You won't have to speak to her if you don't want to."

God, she hoped that was true.

"We could just not go at all." It was a better plan in her opinion.

"Or we can go, make everyone there jealous of us, and then come home and I can give you a proper ceremony."

"Promise?"

"Promise." And the accompanying kiss that sealed the deal was almost enough to make the prospect of the night worth it. Almost.

She survived the ceremony barely. Stomached the speech she had to endure from the Superintendent, her former parent, the same woman who gave her life, and the first person whose ridiculous expectations she knew she never be able to satisfy. But she got through it, even as the empty words of praise reopened old wounds stitch by stitch, by focusing on the one person in the crowd who mattered most. The one who captivated every inch of the soul she thought she lost long ago. It was Holly that got her through the forced smiles, the annoying handshakes, the superficial pleasantries. And with the heavy medal around her neck, she interrupted Frankie giving Holly the third degree about her plans for the future and whether she was staying for good. As surprising as it was to have the detective looking out for her, it was even more surprising when the older officer intercepted the incoming Superintendent long enough for them to escape.

It wasn't until they were home again, the formal blues, the white gloves, the polished belt buckled, and shining shoes littering the floor, accompanied by the slinky black dress, and strappy heels, and newly minted medal that she finally relaxed. Finally felt the stifling weight lifted. With every kiss, with every touch, with every breathless moan she was released from the memories of past hauntings, of the almost happeneds, of nightmares that came to life. A tangled mess of sheets barely covered the warm stretch of bare skin against her own. And with her heart laying right beside her, she decided she couldn't let this go.

"You should stay."

"I told you, honey, I finished my contract, no more trips to the States."

"I know. But I meant here here. Move in with me, Lunchbox?"

She felt the body next to her stir, Holly popping up with wide eyes and surprise written along every inch of that beautiful face. So she waited, on bated breath, hoping the answer would be yes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Another shitty day + a little bit tipsy + a couple of long ago conversations - any editing = this chapter. Guess this story continues...

It wasn't really fair of her. After moving in with Gail over a month ago, they had mostly enjoyed the honeymoon phase. But everything had happened fast, so fast, like every other aspect of their relationship. Because the two of them just seemed to go from 0 to 60 in no time. After-all, hadn't they gone from friends to lovers in the span of an interrogation room kiss, a bullpen rejection, and a bathroom freakout? Then from lovers to exes in the span of less than a minute of ill-timed conversation with stupid Lisa and her pretentious mouth. And from exes to almost second chances after a thumb, a confession, and another interrogation room, another folder, another kiss, another promise. And all that hope had burned so epically in a locker room conversation of plans made, because forgiveness was so much easier to ask than permission.

And then second chances turned to thirds because when everything had gone to hell, everything had burned, and charred, and shattered, and splatted, when everything was dull, and lifeless, and even the sky couldn't shine bright enough they had found each other again. Then they tried to do it right, they tried to take things slow and they kept the distance, worked together, they built and grew and everything became so much more real and tangible and everything pointed to a future that could actually get them to be together. Then it was terrifying phone calls and last minute flights, and broken contracts, and moving back, moving home to help the woman that she loved, the woman she had almost lost more times than any one person's heart could take, heal physically and all of sudden they were living together and then Gail wanted it to be official and of course she had said yes because how could she possibly postpone the chance to start their forever together any longer.

Really, it hadn't been that bad. Yeah they were still learning what it actually meant to live together, to share a space, and actually turn two completely separate lives into one somewhat stable one. And yes there were growing pains like when Holly took too long to empty her boxes from San Francisco, which Gail pointed out was a constant reminder of every moment they had been forced to spend apart. And there was the time that Gail somehow thought Holly had given up coffee for some truly awful tea that Lisa had given her. It had been almost a week of no caffeine before Holly finally asked why the hell Gail was torturing her by restricting her access to the elixir of life and her sweet, oh so snarkily sweet girlfriend, had thought that Holly had developed some stupid American custom and was trying to be supportive. But really it wasn't bad all things considered.

But that day, well it wasn't fair how bad the day had gone. Gail had used all the hot water in the shower before she had left for work before Holly had left the bed after spending more than half the night in the lab, hunched over a body that just had to be processed right there and then or there was no way the detectives who were home sleeping soundly could possibly solve the crime. And even though Gail had promised that she had set the timer on the coffee pot it hadn't been set and Holly slept through her alarm clock so she didn't even have time to make some herself before she was rushing out the door and back to the lab, already late for work. Dr. Holly Stewart was never late for work, so it wasn't really fair that it had to happen when she was still proving herself to her superiors after leaving the territory and the whole fucking country because she had made a stupidly rash decision when she was sporting a hurt that had felt like her entire heart had been ripped out.

The universe though wasn't fair at all. So it decided to just keep the bad day rolling. Her intern mislabelled an entire day's worth of evidence and when Holly finally had it sorted, the dolt contaminated half of it with improper technique before Holly could finally get the man to sit his ass in a chair and not touch a single thing. As a result, she didn't get a chance to eat, not breakfast, not lunch, and not dinner, all of which she was forced to work through while getting berated by her own boss for her rookie's mistakes. There was also the moment when she tore her pants at the crime scene, locked her keys in the lab's van, and broke the temple of her glasses. For fucking fuck's sake, she just wanted to go home and curl up on the couch with her girlfriend whose turn it was to cook that night.

But of course, life wasn't fucking fair. So instead of being greeted by a warm apartment, freshly cooked food, or a cuddly girlfriend she walked into the loud sounds of video games, a pile of dishes that were supposed to have found their way to the dishwasher already, and her tripping over her Gail's combat boots that were always thrown onto the middle of the floor. She caught herself and could feel the anger boiling inside of her. She counted to ten, then counted to twenty, it was when she finally hit fifty that she finally called out to Gail but the blonde was distracted playing from bloody game while trash-talking into a headset to, by the sounds of it, Dov. So Holly decided to take a moment for herself and try again when she could be calmer. She went to their tiny bathroom attached to the master bedroom, stripping as she went. She had every intention of emptying her extremely full bladder (she had been in such a hurry to finally leave the lab that she hadn't bothered going at work), hopping into the shower to wash away the unfairly awful day, and then changing into something soft and warm and soothing before dragging her girlfriend away from the television. Yeah, it was a good plan, a solid plan, it was a really simple plan to finally put an end to the day from Hell.

"God fucking damn it, Gail Peck!"

She could hear the heavy footsteps before Gail was peeking into the bathroom, confusion written all over her face as to why there were curse words preceding her name.

"Toilet paper. You couldn't do the dishes, or the laundry, like you promised, or make coffee this morning, or put your boots against the wall where they belong, but really, you couldn't fucking change the damn toilet paper roll when you used the last piece?!" Her voice was nearly hysterical but Holy really couldn't give a shit any longer. It may not have been fair to take out her frustrations on Gail but she couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Oh, you mean like you always do to me."

"How could I always do it to you when I'm the one who constantly puts a new roll in here?"

"No way, Girlfriend, I always do it."

"Really? Because if you had, I wouldn't be stranded in here right now because of you."

"You could just ask nicely."

"You could just do it without needing to be asked."

Gail vanished and when she came back the entire package of toilet paper was being dumped at her feet.

"Really fucking mature, Gail. So glad the bratty teenager still exists."

The hurt crossed Gail's face for an instant, and Holly felt bad but the words had tumbled out before she could even think of what she was saying. Her anger getting the better of her in the heat of the moment. Gail didn't say a word as she stormed away. And she wanted to go after her, to apologize, to take back what she said but she couldn't. Because her anger and frustration from the day was still boiling just beneath the surface. And no, it may not have been her normal temperament to be so short-fused but it really had been the worst day and she just couldn't take another moment of it. So she took a new roll, purposefully turning it upside down as she placed it on the holder, knowing that it would piss Gail off the next time she used the bathroom in another very mature moment of fairness. But then she finally showered and let the hot water ease tense muscles, she washed all the anger, and frustration down the drain. She stayed until the water turned cold.

When she walked out in their living room, finally feeling clean, and warm, and significantly calmer than before there were no loud video game sounds, there were no boots in the middle of the hallway, there was no girlfriend sprawled across the couch. She was alone and even if she deserved it, it didn't take the sting out of any of the disappointment. It probably wasn't fair, that she wasn't even surprised, hurt, upset, crushed, but not surprised. What did surprise her was when Gail came through front door with takeout from her favorite restaurant in hand.

"It's my turn for dinner."

And it wasn't fucking fair that the tears started streaming down her face without asking fucking permission, the unruly bastards. And it wasn't fair how good it felt to be pulled into Gail's arms as the blonde whispered soft words and assurances and apologies to her when she was the one being the asshole who needed to apologize.

"I'm sorry," she hiccuped, "I've had a really awful day."

"Well how about we eat and then you tell me about it while I do the dishes. Then we can forget all about it while we hang out on the couch. We can watch sports and I'll even let you be the little spoon."

It wasn't fair that the words from her sweet, yes sweet, oh-so-snarkily sweet girlfriend were exactly the ones she wanted to hear and were the first good thing in her entire day.

"You hate sports."

"Yeah, but I love you."

Suddenly it didn't matter that the universe didn't feel like being fair. It didn't matter that her shower had been cold, that there was no coffee in the pot that morning, that she had been late to work, that she was reprimanded, it didn't matter that she had an incompetent intern, had torn her pants, lost her keys, or broken her glasses. It didn't matter that she hadn't eaten all day, had stumbled over boots in her dirty apartment. It didn't even matter that she hadn't had any toilet paper. Because at the end of it all, she still had Gail, and Gail had come back after a fight, and Gail loved her. She hoped that never changed.

"I love you too."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't much. And it probably doesn't make sense. But I also don't really care so...

 

She had been called heartless her entire life. Why have a heart when it was only ever meant to be broken? But it had been there, buried deep within her chest, hidden from view, protected with stone. She had built those walls with every little pebble, piece by piece until she believed it herself. She didn't need a heart. It would only get her hurt.

And it hurt.

It had fractured when Nick left her at the altar, the first person she had opened her heart to. The first person she had trusted with the fragile organ. The one that she had thought that maybe, possibly, it could be...but it wasn't.

It had bruised when Steve made her choose between her family and Chris. But it was only a small contusion, barely a blip. She had already built a stronger wall after Vegas, so making the choice was...not easy...but she could live. And then the boy was bleeding in her arms, and it was her only real friend, the only one to keep trying and keep digging, and who thought that maybe there was a heart there somewhere. So she had let him try again.

But it was only special if she kept it hidden. Because she didn't let people close to her. Unless she wanted to. It was her style, her reputation, her carefully crafted guise. Dov had gotten too close. A friend. Only a friend. But her words didn't matter, because she had opened her heart to one too many people and so it broke in a whole new way.

And then he was back again. The boy who started it all. The one with the smile, and the motorcycle, and all the memories. So she gave him another try and a second chance that he wouldn't give in return. Hadn't she learned this lesson before? Apparently not. He broke something deeper in her. Had caused her to doubt herself and to lose one of her friends in the process. There were no blessings. She had learned her lesson. No more heart to give.

Heartless.

She hadn't felt anything in months. She got mean. Messed things up. It was stupid, really, but she just wanted to feel...something. But how does someone with no heart feel anything at all? Slowly, it seemed. Because it started with a crime scene, and medical jurisprudence. It started with a lab, and big words, and a crooked smile. It started with her hating people.

But she didn't hate...her.

So it built slowly, those walls, those carefully crafted walls, built stone by stone and brick by brick, every ounce of cement poured without tenderness or care. She had put it all there. And then they were broken, shattered, ripped away one by one with every short tandem repeat, and every piece of fleece, and every backpack. There was a crack that started with a kiss in a coat closet. A fracture with the throw of a bat. A schism at the sight of a potential someone someone. But it was fucking dynamite that hit her in an interrogation room, because Holly  _cared_  and suddenly she could feel again.

And she felt too much.

She was scared. She panicked. But Holly came as soon as she heard. And it was only hair but it was gone, every inch. There were no more bad inches. And it wasn't a fairytale. But it was still kinda beautiful. And it was a start. A start of something new and something different. And she could feel and it felt...good.

Too good.

It was why she forgot, why she didn't see it coming. A few choice words, too many hurts, and the wall was back. It was hard to build it again, but she could do it. Miss a few phone calls, ignore some texts, and the wall was there. But there were stones missing and it wasn't quite as high as before. That stupid fucking dynamite.

She put her heart on the line.

But it was too late. There was someone else. And there had been a case. And a little girl. And suddenly she felt everything. And it was too much. And too little. And it hurt. She had a second chance and a choice. She chose Sophie.

Her heart wasn't whole but maybe it could be.

But life took a shotgun to her chest. It left a gaping hole where her heart was supposed to be. Tattered, and scattered, and splattered. She had nothing. No family, no parents, no brother, no almost daughter. No love of her life. She had lost it all.

A phone call.

Too many drinks and not enough locks on her phone. One phone call to give her that little bit of hope. So she took a chance. And a flight. She knocked on a door, and she got her second chance. Something fluttered in her chest. It was only pieces, cracked, and crooked, and they didn't fit together. But they were there.

A makeshift heart.

One that had stitches, and glitches, and that barely even twitched. But it was there and it grew stronger everyday. Every day with Holly by her side, her partner, her lover, her love to make those pieces feel alive. They felt almost whole.

So she gave it away.

Because every day when she woke up to see that crooked smile, and those brown eyes, and every night when she came home to a house that felt like a home and a woman who greeted her with a kiss and kept her warm each night, she lost it completely. And she had no hope of ever getting it back.

A ring.

It was a promise. It was a chance to make it permanent. To make it a forever. It was her heart on her sleeve. The broken and battered and bloodied. It wasn't perfect. And it would never be. But it was Holly's if she wanted it. So it was a question, and a wait, while the heart that didn't exist pounded furiously in her chest.

It was a yes.

And an of course. And an I love you too. It was a promise. And a forever. And it was hope. It was the start of a lifetime.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: 6x11 happens but Frankie just crashed at the Frat House after her and Gail blacked out from too much tequila. Frankie helped her look up plane tickets...


End file.
